Randomness of Mine
  • Home
  • About me

I've been drowning in fear, lately. That I could hurt someone so bad in the future. Or even now.

It was a great thing, that someone would love me. But I can't be sure if I could return it. I mean, love them back. I feel so guilty, sometimes it hurt.

I don't believe in unconditional love. Everyone, as a human being would want something as a return. Even parents would want their children to love them back, right?


I don't have the quality to be loved.
I don't have the courage to be loved.
Being loved, sure had hurt me.


I love being loved
but I just don't know
how to love back

For you, who had been dealing with my selfishness
For you, who I constantly hurted without knowing
For you, whose love I couldn't return

Would you still want me?

It was last week, February 12th to be exact. I performed Japanese traditional dance, Yosakoi, for the very first time, in front of strangers. It was depressing that I couldn't do well because of some reasons but on the other side, it was satisfying enough.


On the D-Day, I was doing nothing in the morning (lol). Leisure is the best. Maybe around ten, I started getting ready because we (my friends and me) planned to gather at our campus at noon. So, yeah, I took a bath and packed my stuff into my backpack. Getting ready was done in less than an hour. I got another leisure time 'till the promised time.

Being able to drive nothing, I got myself a Go-Jek. Thanks Lord for inventing Go-Jek. I reached campus and guess what, people were not there yet. Jam karet never fail to upset me. After maybe an hour or so, everyone finally came and without further ado, we went to the venue.

Venue? It was a hell. No room for the Guest Star. What the heck. Why would they let us, the one they invited, scattered around those regular people? I mean, they asked us to come to their event. Why not gave us some decent facilities? We asked the crews and got tossed here and there. We eventually got nothing and we decided to get ready in the hallway because of the time. Yeah, we actually did our makeup in the freaking hallway.


The hallway was our makeup room


It rained. The stage was stopped for a while and we were wondering about the rundown. Not even one of the crew checked on us. We asked them by ourselves at turned out it would be postponed by thirty minutes. I started to feel like bodo amat at this freaking event. God damn, they are making the guest star do everything on their own. Is this what they called as inviting?

We waited. We took some photos while waiting. No one called even it almost the time we perform. I started to question the crews' capability in throwing event. I could do better and surprisingly, I actually did better than them in my high school era.

We decided to do downstair and waited around the stage. Surprise, they kinda skipped us. So, there was this band who were performing at that moment and we, the dancers, should have danced before they start singing. This made me more upset. Why didn't they called us? They didn't even try and that made me super mad.

We waited again, now in the backstage for a freaking hour. Lucky, the crews actually prepared some benches there so we could sit. We did warm-up and also stretching so we won't harm our bodies while dancing.

It was already evening when we perform. I could not feel the joy at all. I was dancing and shouting loud to vent out my anger. Turned out, I let out a lot of power which made the dance look better.

We were done. After eating and some other things, we went back upstairs. I went to the regular girl's changing room to meet my friends so we could take some photos together.  She was helping her friend getting ready. I waited for a bit and we took some selfies.

left: graduation perform; right: debut perform

I changed my costume to regular clothes and cleaned my face. It finally over. We gather for awhile and eventually, we went home.



My debut memories are not great at all but it is not really that bad. Senpais said that our dancing was great and that's enough for me. 

I hope I could dance in front of people again later. With a better service, of course.




Never predicted this. Well, I didn't predict all of my relationships tho. But, this could be the most coincidence of all.

I hope, we could get along well.

Why am I here when I actually really need to do my assignments.

Anyway, maybe two hours ago, my big brother asked me and my mom a simple psychological question. He asked our three most favorites animals. I answered with cats, dogs, and spiders. He laughed when he heard spiders came out from my mouth. Turned out, the animals indicated personality.

The first animal is how we wanted our life to be. Mine is cats, and yes, I really want to be reborn as a cat. Living in such a leisure is my dream. Next is how people see us. Mine is dogs and my mom said it fit me well. She said that I look cute and fluff and stuff but I actually could make people terrified of me. Well, so maybe I'm a malamute because who said malamute is not cute? The last one, the last animal indicate how we see ourselves. I chose spider and my brother asked why. So, I answered him that I love spider because a spider is calm, composed and stuff but whenever its prey is coming over, it would catch it immediately. My mom and brother agreed at that. They said I'm kinda dangerous because I tend to trap people (lol). My mom also said that I actually am a hard worker that work a bit everytime that eventually pile up ( I don't really think so tho), just like a spider.

Well, maybe I am a spider. I do always love spider tho. I can still remember how I love looking at spider when I was a little. I also love the way it trapped its prey; yeah I also love feeding spiders with ants.

Conclusion, beware of me if you don't want me to catch you in my trap and suck your soul.

Hey, can you tell me how to differentiate between having a crush and falling in love?
Hey, do you think falling in love is such a normal thing to occur in life?
Hey, do you think falling in love, at first sight, is such a logical thing?


Anyway, I think I am falling in love.


I have a university orientation tomorrow at five am but really, I just got home from watching DBL at ten pm, just now (laughs)

I AM SUPER HAPPY THAT I DECIDED TO WATCH THE MATCH.

Not only because the match was super exciting and amazing but also because I got someone to watch with me. He was cute omg

Anyway, the game between Smasa Blitar versus Kosayu was superb, you totally could not predict thing. At one time Smasa lead, then Kosayu, then Smasa again and it loop. But really, it was super cool. They made a 40 minutes game to almost three hours. Yeah, that made me stand for three hours because all the seats are full, literally, not even an inch of free space.

The bad side was, I could not watch the dances :((( Because the person I'm going with was kinda late picking me up and I can't go inside because the whole supporters of Kosayu are not allowed to enter and they were blocking the gate (cries) BUT MY JUNIORS WON THE DANCE COMPETITION THO SO IT WAS GREAT. OH AND ALSO MY SCHOOL GOT THE AWARD FOR BEING THE BEST SUPPORTER AGAIN, FOR THE SEVENTH TIME.

Ugh, I'm so happy ❤

Older Posts Home

Blog Archive

  • ▼  2018 (2)
    • ▼  September (2)
      • Scared
      • To The Dearest You
  • ►  2017 (1)
    • ►  February (1)
  • ►  2016 (21)
    • ►  October (2)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (4)
    • ►  July (1)
    • ►  June (9)
    • ►  May (3)
    • ►  April (1)
  • ►  2015 (5)
    • ►  October (1)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  August (1)
    • ►  June (1)
    • ►  March (1)

Popular Posts

  • Future (2)
    How do you do? I wish you get what's best for you. Because I just got one so I really hope you all got one too. Have you ev...
  • Finally, a new blog!
    Halo, Inggum desu! Udah lama nih aku vakum blogging wkwk Blog yang lama juga udah aku delete hahaha Basically , blog ini bakal berfungsi ...
Powered by Blogger.
Copyright © 2015 Randomness of Mine

Created By ThemeXpose